Sure Happy It's Thursday
S.H.I.T. I Say
WORKING WITHOUT A NET
When I was a young boy my family lived in West Palm Beach, Florida. We lived close to what is now the Palm Beach International Airport and was then a small airport on a left-over Air Force Base from WWII. There was a very large area surrounding the airport and one day my dad took me over to watch a circus being set up. It was the Ringling Brother’s Barnum and Bailey Circus and to a little boy, it was the Greatest Show on Earth.
A day or two later he took me to see the show. I’m sure I was completely in awe over everything there, but I have always remembered two things. One was a seal who came out and his trainer set him or her down in front of a set of horns like you would find on a bicycle. The seal pushed each rubber bulb with his/her nose and played a little tune. I have no idea what it was now but I still remember that part of the show. The other part I remember was the tightrope act. Not because of the walk but where they did it.
In the center ring was a large metal cage with all sorts of ferocious beasts that need to be tames with whips and chairs, and the occasional blank fired from a pistol. They were put through their act and then the lion tamer, or whatever the now PC name for that person is, left and all the animals were still there. Sitting or walking around in the cage. With a door. With bars. But without a top. It was open.
Then the Ringmaster announced that the next act would be a tightrope walker. He began to walk out over the wire and got to the edge of the animal cage. It was then I realized he would walk over them and if he fell, he’d be in deep kimchi. I asked my dad why he did that and he explained it was called “working without a net.”
How many of us are working without a net waiting to fall into a den full of ferocious beasts? Do you have an agent? Is that agent a safety net that protects you from all the things that can be lurking below? Do you need a net, or are you confident enough to walk the wire without it?
I have had that safety net of an agent in the past and I am talking to another one at this time, but I have done okay in the past without that safety net. I sold my first screenplay without and agent. Smart idea? Not at all. In retrospect, I probably would have gotten a better deal if I had someone who knew more about the art of the deal than I did at the time. The point here is, the script sold and was made into a movie. That sale created more and ultimately got me a safety net for my screenwriting.
You will know when it’s time to get the safety net. You don’t need one if you are just standing on the platform and about to step on the wire. You need it when you are out there walking and looking down into the mouth of the beast wondering “what the hell have I gotten myself into?”
And if writing doesn’t work, you can always run away, join the circus and learn to play a tune with your nose.
THE “F” WORD AND OTHERS…
In the last few years it seems we have been getting bombarded with words that, for any number of reasons we are not supposed to say. They may fall under the category of profanity or offensive or politically incorrect. As a general rule, most people are sensitive to these words and try to avoid them in their daily language for fear of offending someone or being seen as insensitive.
Notice I said, “most people.” That does not include entertainers and writers. Do we not fall into the category of “most people” as well? Glad you asked. How many times have you seen a blurb on the morning news about some Hollywood star, athlete or other notable who, during a monologue or awards ceremony or interview “dropped the ‘f’ bomb?” It’s getting to be about as newsworthy as Congress voting along party lines. We just expect it to happen.
But that’s them and we are us. As writers what is our obligation to the reader to protect them from words they may not like? In my humble opinion…. none whatsoever. The first day of my screenwriting class I tell my students that during the course of the class I will probably insult, embarrass or offend them and I usually do. But I also say that in most cases, it’s a character in something we’re working on that says or does those things.
The two classic non-verbalized words today are the “F” word and the “N” word. If you have a character who hits his thumb with a hammer, you will lose your reader if he looks at his bleeding thumb and says, “Oh F word, I hit my thumb.” Imagine a scene where a bunch of men are dresses in sheets. One of them shouts, “Who do we not like?” The rest, after asking someone to hold their beer, join in with, “We don’t like the “N” words. Or the “J” words.” I could go on but you get the point.
If your character needs to say something, let him or her say it. If it’s not strictly for shock value your reader will understand. I was trying to make this point in a class one day when a lady asked me not to keep using the “N” word. I assured her I was not and did not use it but it was my character who was saying it. She got up to walk out and several of her classmates came to my defense and she stayed.
Offensive words have been around since the beginning of time in one way or another. What may be offensive to one person is just normal speech to another. There are cultural, religious and now even sexual connotations of words that we may not realize. I have a program on my computer that I use when I finish a novel to check for all sorts of things. One is for profanity.
I recently completed a novel where part of it takes place in Viet Nam. Against my better judgement, I referred to Saigon as Ho Chi Min City. My program came back and told me I should change it to Prostitute Chi Min City.
I told my system to get “F” worded.
THE WRITE OR WRONG CONFERENCE?
If you read any of the magazines that are geared toward the writing community you know that this is the time of the year when they announce the upcoming writer’s conferences. These conferences are held in most large cities and many of them specialize in a certain type of writing. You can find them for fiction writers, poets, non-fiction or magazine writers to name just a few. Most have workshops and a guest speaker or two whom you may or may not have heard of depending on the size of the conference.
Your particular writing specialty is…FITB (fill in the blank). You see a conference not far from you that has a workshop that interests you. It’s a weekend, so you don’t have to take time off from your day job, it’s within your budget and you’re ready to sign up to go. Before you do, ask yourself one question. Is it the right conference for me?
Break the question down further. What do I plan to get out of it? What are the qualifications of the workshop leaders? Does the brochure say, “Herbert T. Provanowitz has written seven novels” or does it say he has actually sold and had published seven novels? If it’s door number one, he may not have any more qualifications than you, so what can you learn in that workshop? If it’s an agent or editor you want to meet and pitch to, find out if they are actually looking for new talent. Send them an email and ask how many clients or manuscripts they have acquired at conferences in the past? I think you’ll be surprised at the answer.
I have had the pleasure of attending many writer’s conferences as both a participant and a speaker. Several of the conferences have invited me back again after a few years. In almost every case I have had people come up to me and tell me they saw me two, three or four years earlier and really liked my presentation. I’m always flattered when that happens but I began to wonder. Why are they coming back year after year? What new information are they getting or what do they expect to get? I had to know, so I asked that question of several of them. Be careful what you ask, you may not like the answer.
Many said they left the conference fired up and ready to hit the keyboard or yellow legal pad bright and early Monday to really get serious about writing…this time. But…Monday rolled around and work/school/chores/whatever had to be accomplished first. By the time they finished them, it was late and Jeopardy was just coming on and…and…you see the pattern. Or maybe they spent time with the editor or agent and actually followed up and sent them something. One month. Two, then three and four passed with no response. A polite email inquiry got them nothing either.
Bleak picture? Unfortunately, it is, but some of it is a self-inflicted wound that can be avoided. Do your research on the conference and the presenters. Make sure they are selling something that you want to buy and can actually use. And then USE IT.
I think it was Mark Twain or somebody else who said, “Writing is 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration.” Use some of that 90% for preparation as well.
WHEN IS IT OVER?
That famous philosopher, Jogi Berra said “It ain’t over till it’s over” among other things he said that will go down in history. Which brings up a point for us as writers. When is it over? When have you written enough? When have you edited enough? When have you had friends, family and the random person from your writing group give it enough reads? Is it ready to be sent out with your name on it? Is it as good as you can make it?
First things first. It’ll never be right. You can do all the things mentioned above till the cows come home and chances are you can still find ways to improve it. The problem is you probably can’t find those ways yourself. I’ve talked about editing in the past which included paying for an editor or trying to do it yourself.
I recently had a novel published and so far, I have had two people contact me and tell me of mistakes that are still in it. How do I feel about that? Embarrassed of course but I don’t know what I could have done to prevent it. I went through the manuscript several times myself. I have a program I use that points out redundancy in words, profanity, the wrong tense etc. and I always use it prior to sending a manuscript to my editor. I think she does a great job of finding things I overlook but evidently this time we both failed.
I keep a novel by one of my favorite authors who now writes four books a year. He is one of the most prolific writers out there today. In one of the books he has a character who said he was a Soldier in the Army. A few pages later he tells someone he went to “boot camp” and in the next chapter he talks about being in the Marines. There are several disconnects there. Soldiers are in the Army but they go to Basic Training. Marines and Navy recruits go to Boot Camp. Unless you are familiar with the military service it probably would not register as a series of mistakes but to an Army retiree like me, it was a red flag. Will I stop reading his novels because of this? No way. He’s still a very good story teller. Will I look for mistakes in the future a little harder than I have in the past? Probably.
Who didn’t catch the mistakes before the book was finished? Him, his editor, his friend? Who knows. Point is we all make mistakes and nothing, or almost nothing in life is perfect and that goes for your writing and mine. We can only do the best we can and let it go. The consolation for us is that in most cases the person reading and finding the mistakes bought the book or magazine and we either have been or will get paid for the writing.
We can only do the very best we can, have somebody we trust take a look at the work and like a mama bird with a newly hatched birdie, kick it out of the nest and see if it can fly.
Yogi also said, “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.” Gotta love ol’ Yogi.
THE DRAMA OF TRAUMA
Can you write about the trauma in your life? Are you too close to it to be able to step back and see it for what it really is? Most of us are to a certain extent, but we tend to use some of it in our writing whether we realize it or not.
Think about a tragedy that you experienced. It could be the death of a family member or close friend, even a beloved pet. What about that auto accident you had or almost had that you still think about when you get in a similar situation? If your character needs to be in an auto accident, you recall what you felt and give it to the character. That’s using the drama of the trauma.
Look at it from the other side. How do you treat the trauma you caused for someone else? What? Of course, we’ve all cause some trauma in other people’s lives whether we know it or accept it or not. Remember those classic lines your mother or father said? “This is going to hurt me more than it is you.” In reality it probably did, but not at the time. Have you repeated them to someone else, probably your children?’
How many writers are now, or were police officers, fire fighters, first responders or military? For many of them, and I include myself in that group, writing about the trauma we’ve seen is something that we can’t avoid. How can a police officer who has seen many fatal auto accidents, domestic violence situations or other horrible things that people do to each other just push those memories aside and not write about them?
I know a former helicopter pilot who flew in Viet Nam who upon retiring from the Army had a second career as a writer. He wrote romance novels under an assumed name, of course. I read a couple of them and in each one I could tell when he was reaching back and bringing up something that had happened when he was on active duty. It was not blood and guts, but it was reality and it fit the scenario of his romance novels.
In reality, trauma, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. How many times has someone sent you a link to a five-minute compilation of people doing really stupid things and paying the price for it? Admit it, you laughed at their situation. It was funny to you and to me, because it was not us who fell off the roof, or slid down the river bank when the rope broke or did a double back flip when the bicycle trip went south on us. It’s much easier to write about their trauma than ours.
I did a workshop at a writer’s conference once on this subject and I asked the participants if someone would like to tell of a particular tragedy that they experienced. I was completely unprepared for two of the response I got. One lady said her husband’s picture was featured one night on America’s Most Wanted. They had been married for several years and lived a normal life. He left the next day and has never been seen since. Another person informed the assembled group that his grandfather had killed his grandmother as an act of love. Both were in their 80’s and she was in very bad health and he did not want to see her suffer any longer.
Both these people said they planned to use the situations in their writing.
Got Something to Say? Speak Up!
Do your characters speak or actually say something? Think about it. There’s a great difference between taking and saying something. When Abe Lincoln was moving through the crowd at Gettysburg, he probably talked to the men and women there. “Excuse me.” “Thank you for moving aside.” “Sorry, I didn’t mean to step on your foot.” That was him talking. A few minutes later, he SAID something. We know it as the Gettysburg Address.
When it’s time for your characters to open their mouths, put words in them that say something. In my screenwriting class on dialog, I ask what the participants think is the worst thing one person can say to another. It’s a loaded question since I’m the instructor because I’ve already decided what it is. A friend of mine and I were enjoying some adult beverages one night and I asked him that question. We came up with two finalists. You’re on the operating table, tubes, lines, bottles etc. hooked up to you. Just as the Anesthesiologist puts the mask on your face and you take that last deep breath, you hear your surgeon say, “Oh,)$&&#, I hate it when I do that.” Or…the winner. You walk into your house and your significant other is sitting waiting for you. From the look on his/her face you know you’re in deep kimchi. He/she looks at you and with a look that would melt cold steel, says, “I know what you’ve been doing and I know who you’ve been doing it with.”
I ask for a volunteer and set up the scene. I wait for her to get ready and then I say, “Hi, honey. I’m home.” I’m met with “I know what you’ve…etc.” and off we go. It’s all spontaneous since I have no idea how she will play it or what she will say, but believe me, I’m never disappointed with what comes out of her mouth. And neither is the class.
With the exception of the first two, there are very few complete sentences. We cut each other off. We step on the other person’s words. We raise our voices. We swear. We stutter and stammer and take long pauses between words. We gather thoughts. We talk like real people talk and not like they write.
Make your character’s dialog fit the scenario. Imagine being in the boat that George Washington used to cross the Delaware River during the Revolutionary War. You’ve seen the picture, I’m sure. Put your character in the boat. What did the man behind George say other than, “Damn, it’s cold.” Did he say something about this being their last real chance to win the war? Did he ask the man behind him to tell his wife and children he loved them if he did not make it home?
Think about the situation you’ve put your character in and let them run with it. How long did it take Neil Armstrong to come up with “A small step for man, a giant leap for mankind” when he stepped on the moon? That was not spontaneous. He thought about it and fit the words to the situation. He wasn’t a writer. He was an astronaut, but he said something.
And third place was….” Here, hold my beer and watch this.”
Research…Or See How Smart I Am.
I love the Internet. I hate the Internet. Sound confusing, but think about it. As writer’s we probably spend a fair bit of time on the Internet. We want to know something, we don’t have to go to the library like we did, or in my case, said we did, years ago. Hit the keyboard, do a few keystrokes, make a couple of false starts and we find what we are looking for. That’s the part of the Internet that I love. It’s the false starts that I hate.
Need some information on how many acres were in the original Disneyland? Look it up and choose from probably a million places that offer everything you ever wanted to know about Disneyland, Disney World, Walt Disney, Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and Steamboat Willy…or is it Willie? I now know what kind of car Donald Duck drives and his tag number. Does that make me a good researcher, smarter, a person who wastes time when he should be writing or a compendium of worthless information?
Want to know the city in the United States that sees the sunrise first every morning? Just ask me. I found it when I was looking for something entirely different. I write mysteries and If the FBI ever, for any reason comes to my house and asks to see my computer, I will never get out of jail. I have searches buried someplace in the memory bank of my desk top that will lead them to directions for making an atomic bomb, the kind of poison that is not found in a routine autopsy and the penalty for all sorts of horrible crimes.
It’s useful information and I make no excuses for having it on my computer but it’s the other stuff that pops up that I worry about. I did a search for a comedian who was popular in the early 1950’s. That led me to a site for some clips from the old Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. I remember watching the show with my parents, I checked out a couple. The last one created a link that (I’m holding my hand in the air) I honestly did not realize led to a hard-core porn site. It took a call to tech support to get rid of it.
But let’s talk about legitimate research. In my latest mystery, I needed to know how to kill a person in a specific manner. I had the way, I did not know how or if it would be detected by a medical examiner. I looked on the Internet to no avail, so I called the medical examiner in the county where I had the murder take place. I asked some general questions and was told to contact a professor at a major university who specialized in poison research. We had a great conversation and I was led to a website that I would have never found otherwise. I did not go into great detail on how the poison was detected, but I could have. I needed to know but I didn’t think my readers did.
Give your readers enough to let them know you know what you’re talking about. Don’t get them bogged down in details unless you write techno-thrillers. If you do then you can go into great details. That’s what they expect.
Remember, they can’t put it on the Internet unless it’s true. BTW...Donald drives a 1934 Belch Fire Runabout and his tag number is 313.
New Year’s Revolutions….
Revolutions? No, that’s not a typo. I didn’t mean to type resolutions, although this is what today’s topic is. Did you make any New Year’s Resolutions? Have you ever made any? I’m going to go out on a limb here, as they say. (Did you ever wonder who “they” are and why we care what they say, but I digress.) I’ll bet at some point in your life you made a few.
Therein lies the problem. It’s much easier to make them than it is to keep them. Right? They seem to take on a self-defeating life of their own once we make them and they come around to haunt us till we resolve to never do it again, or start making up new ones for the upcoming year.
Sometime around the first of November we start thinking about the holiday season. Dinners with family and friends are planned. Cards are bought, put in a drawer to be either mailed too late or saved for next year, and we consider what we want to change in the upcoming new year. Some of the most obvious and widely made are: lose weight, quit smoking, get in shape, be nicer to… (fill in the blank) and learn a foreign language. (A suggestion on the last one: Call your local bank and “press two.”)
And now it’s Thanksgiving Day. The family is gathered around. The kitchen looks like the mess hall for the Third Army with enough food for the entire assembled Soldiers and you have some of all of it. Next comes football or a nap. You are so full you think you’ll never need food again and you can hibernate till spring. After everyone is gone, you have another piece of pie, maybe a left-over turkey leg, some of that sweet potato thingy that Aunt Betty brought and by midnight when you can’t sleep, your first New Year’s Revolution is made. Lose weight. Beginning after Christmas dinner and the New Year’s Eve party, of course. The next morning when you reluctantly step on the scales, reaffirm what you already knew and take a good look at yourself in the mirror, the second one is made. Get in shape. Soon. After Christmas etc., etc.
Six weeks later, it’s New Year’s Eve, drink in hand you toast the beginning of the first day of the new year and the NEW YOU! Of course, the other hand is filled with a plate of small munchie-crunchies stacked as tall as the Eifel Tower and there is a cigarette clutched in your drink hand.
Twelve hours later you wake up and wonder if you are dead and if you’re alive you wonder why.
Every rule has its exception and New Year’s Resolutions are self-made rules so… Now for a word of explanation. You joined the gym and went for almost two weeks. Eating better or less or healthy takes an effort and you have to work and sometimes go to lunch with Fred and Mary and they’re not on a diet, and you only smoke now when you have a drink…after work with Fred and Mary or at the game with the guys or gals. You get the picture. You’ve come full circle. A Revolution.
Don’t feel bad you’re in good company. We all do it. So…if you’ll excuse me, I have to go join a gym, quit smoking, lose some weight, be nice to people who like…. (fill in the blank) and write more every day.
By the Way…did I mention that the latest novel in my Johnny Morocco series came out on December 23rd? It’s available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Books a Million etc. I was going to mention it in Dec as a New Year’s Resolution, but you know what they say.
YOU’RE NOT THE LONE RANGER
If you’re not old enough, this will make no sense to you at all. I was told once the true mark of one’s culture is if you can listen to The William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger. Now, some of you youngsters will maybe ask, “Who is that masked man?” Oh, wait, that’s what they said at the end of the show, but I digress. The point is when he and Tonto rode out of town, The Lone Ranger always fixed the wrong, punished the bad guys, made everyone see life in a more pleasant manner and left a Silver Bullet behind. It seemed to me when I watched the weekly episodes that everyone was waiting for him and Tonto to ride into town, fix everything and leave them a silver bullet. That silver bullet has taken on a life of its own in our modern world. It’s the fix-all, do-all, kiss it and make it better thing that we are constantly searching for.
Which brings me to the point of this week’s blog. You knew I’d ultimately get there, didn’t you?
For us, as writer’s there is no silver bullet. If there is, I and most of the writer’s I know, haven’t found it. There are many varieties of what we think are silver bullets. “If I can only finish this book/shorts story/poem/article I know it will open all the doors I need to write full time.” “If I can get an agent, I know I will be on the NYT Best Seller’s list.” “If my publisher would believe in me enough to invest in a publicity tour, I know I’d sell a million books.” If you’ve ever been to a writer’s conference you have probably heard these and more as writer’s search for their personal silver bullet.
If I remember correctly, (I looked it up so I know I’m right) the Lone Ranger found a silver mine someplace out west where he and Tonto mined silver so they could buy food, feed their horses, buy the make-up the Lone Ranger occasionally needed to fool the bad guys and have a little pocket change for an occasional night on the town. And……Get ready…here it comes…the point of this blog…. HE MADE HIS OWN SILVER BULLETS.
None of us probably has a silver mine in the back yard or on some property we own in Mule Toot, Arizona but we have our very own silver mine nonetheless. We do the digging every day when we sit down to type/write/compose/whatever we call it. Finish the book, short story or whatever project you are working on. Make it so good that someone else finds it interesting enough to buy/publish/or represent you. Even if you get that one silver bullet, you can’t relax. Many well-known writers have had series dropped by publishers and had to start again. We get letters from agents who are leaving the business, paring down their client list or think what we write is not popular anymore and we are suddenly working without a net. It happens. To us all. It will happen to you if you write long enough.
The solution? Go back to your own Mule Toot, dig around in the mine and find some more silver to make another bullet. Make several. Remember, the Lone Ranger gave out bullets all over the old west.
Write what you know…. wrong
From the time we first were given the assignment to write a story, the teacher told us to “write what you know about.” At the time that was pretty good advice since it was probably given in the third or fourth grade. As youngsters, we had a limited view of the world and didn’t know much about things outside our family or neighborhood. That’s not the case now, so forget that sage advice and listen up.
In my humble opinion, if there is such a thing, I say as writers it’s much more important to know about what you’re writing that to write about what you know about. Confusing? Not really when you think about it. How many science fiction writers have actually been in space? Seen Mars? Stepped foot on Venus or rode in an alien space ship? Not many, I’ll bet but they write about it in a convincing manner and make the reader believe what they are reading.
I’m not going to ask how many mystery writers have killed someone or robbed a bank or set up a long con, but you get the idea. This is where research comes in. Talk to people how have done the things you want to write about or read other books and publications on the subject. If the other person got it right or at least believable, so can you.
I completed a BA in Criminology when I was on active duty in the Army. I missed a class on Juvenile Justice and the instructor told me to find a facility and go interview a kid who was incarcerated. I contacted the local sheriff and asked if he would set it up. I went to the facility on the way home from work one day and I happened to be in uniform. I met a young boy about twelve. He was quiet, somewhat shy and seemed out of place there. We talked for a while, never discussing why he was in there and towards the end of the conversation, he asked if I was in the Army. I told him I was and he said he’d like to join one day. I, being a former recruiter, told him he had his life ahead of him, to stay on the straight and narrow and he might still be able to join. He then asked if the Army taught me how to shoot a gun and asked if I had one. I answered him and his next comment is one I will never forget. “I wish I knew how to shoot a gun. I’d kill my father.” I can only imagine what was done to that child for him to have that much hate in his heart. What’s that got to do with “write about what you know about?” Until that day, I could not imagine that a child could possibly do the things I saw at that facility.
After that, I have given myself permission to have my characters do the most heinous and vicious things to each other in my books and scripts. I console myself with the fact that it’s my characters and not me doing those things but I usually find someone who has already done them and pattern my actions after them.
Writing about your puppy or grandma’s cookies is okay if you’re under the age of ten, but if you want readers to respond by spending money, do some research. Stretch out. Find out how to rob a bank or fly the space shuttle.
Self-Editing and Other Misteaks
You’ve finished writing the great American novel, or at least a pretty decent short story, magazine article or poem. Spell check found several errors and in the second read you even found where you put a semi-colon where you should have used a colon or something like that.
You print a copy or do a cover letter and use the piece as an attachment and send it on its way. All you have to do now is to wait for the check and the accolades to flood in. Right? Maybe. But then again…
What about where you meant to say “think” and instead you wrote “thing.” Spell check didn’t catch it because “thing” is a real word. Your brain didn’t catch it because you knew what you meant to write and your brain gave you a pass on the word.
Even worse, you use the piece in your next writing workshop and hand out copies for the group to read. A hand goes in the air and asks if you really sent this off with this many mistakes in it. You stammer and stutter…but…but…I read it twice…no three times and…
The problem is that YOU read it. You can’t find your own mistakes. I write both novels and screenplays. When I have a script ready, in my opinion, to hit the market, I send it to my manager in Los Angeles. I’ve come to realize that no matter how good I think it is, he will find mistakes in spelling, punctuation or something. The story is sound, but the mechanics are the little things that keep us from being published or produced.
In my screenwriting class on the first day, when the students arrive, on the board is the following sentence: There going over their to pick up they’re stuff. Although it’s not a first year English class, I know some of the students see no problem with the sentence. They read it and it sounds okay. I also know that during the semester I will see the same thing in some of their writing.
So…what do you do to combat such mistakes? There are several programs for writers that will help you find mistakes. I use one that tells me if I use the same word too many times. It has sixteen things it looks for to include foreign word, profanity, adjectives and other things I’m not even aware I do. If you find a program that you like and works for you, it will show you just how many times you use the word “just” or “simply” or some other word that you feel you just simply can’t live without. You can just simply trust me on this.
If you don’t want to add another program to your computer, here are a few suggestions that I have heard other writers do. Cover the text on the page and read it one line at a time. Read each sentence backwards. Read it aloud to someone who knows nothing about the story, or have them read it to you.
If you want someone to send you a check, you’ve got to stand out in the crowd. Do the best job you can and don’t steak minakes.
You’re not crazy. You’re a writer.
Picture this. You’re in a doctor’s office. Let’s make it a Psychiatrist, just for fun. The doctor gives you a bunch of tests and you are pretty sure you pass all of them. Now it comes time for the interview.
“Come in and have a seat. Are you comfortable?” The voice is nice and soothing so you take a seat and get comfortable. “Let’s get started. I just want to find out a little more about you.”
He or she asks questions like where did you grow up. Where did you go to school? Parents good to you? Buy you that pony for Christmas? That sort of things to get you relaxed before you get the hard questions.
Just when you think you are safe the first bomb drops. “Do you ever hear voices?” What are you supposed to say? Before you can answer, you’re hit with another one. “Do you respond to those voices? Do they often tell you what to do and do you do it?” Now you’re stating to sweat. “When you hear those voices do they make sense and do you talk back to them? Do you ever imagine you’re someone else…you know…and really get into their head?”
You want to jump up and run as far away as you can, but you don’t because you know what’s coming. His diagnosis is that you’re crazy as a bedbug. Let’s pause here for a word of explanation. I have no idea how crazy a bed bug is and I doubt anyone else does, but it’s an expression I’ve heard all my life and the only other analogy I could think of was “crazy as a shithouse rat” and I didn’t want to say that in case I offended someone. Okay, back to the couch.
You’re not crazy. You’re a WRITER! If you don’t hear voices how are you going to know what your characters want to say. If you can’t become your character how will you know how he or she acts in the situations you have planned for them? Do you talk to your characters? Come on. You can admit it. No one is listening. I do and it’s some of the most interesting conversations I have. Where else can you talk to a space monster, a bank robber, a serial killer, a gardener or any number of other people you may never meet?
Never mind what the doctor says, let the characters talk to you and it’s okay to talk to them in response. You may never get the chance to do some of the things your characters do in your real life. When you are sitting at the computer or yellow legal pad composing your story and breathing life and words into your characters, if you’re not true to them your readers will know in a heartbeat. You owe it to both your characters and you readers to listen and respond to your characters. Do what they tell you and don’t worry about the doctor. There are enough legitimately slightly off-bubble people out there to keep him busy for a while.
And now if you’ll excuse me. I hear someone calling me.
I’m not talking about pets like dogs, cats, monkeys or rocks. I’m talking about the things that some people call idiosyncrasies. I call them my crazies. I’ll bet you have some too and I’ll go even further and say we share some of the same one. I’m just more vocal about them than most sane people.
One of my biggest and the one that happens almost every day is to get behind the person I call “he keeper of the speed limit.” You know what I mean. He or she drives in the far left lane and actually drives the speed limit. You can’t get around them so you can speed, get caught and buy some stock in the city or county, but that’s not the point. It’s not up to them to keep me from going over the speed limit especially when everyone in the right lane is passing both of us.
How about when you’re walking down the sidewalk and there are three people in front of you walking three abreast. When did they inherit the entire sidewalk? I need to get around them. I have things to do. They are impeding my progress. The only thing worse is when the same three people are walking towards me and expect me to step off the sidewalk so they can keep their line straight. And did I mention the person who walks in front of you who keeps moving from left to right keeping you behind them no matter which way you try to pass them?
Do I sound like a cranky old fart who should stay in the home and never be let out again? Stand by. I ain’t through yet.
I also think every city police department should have at least on person on patrol who is designated the “Crazy cop.” He’s the one who looks for people who are driving with a small dog in their lap. The dog is named “Snookums” and little Snookums has his head out the window blocking the driver’s view of the mirror. The same police officer will also be on the lookout for drivers in early morning traffic who shave, eat a bowl of cereal, catch up on the crossword puzzle or read a book while driving ever-so-slowly on the way to work. Notice I did not say anything about women putting on make-up or fixing their hair. I’m married. I know my limits.
If you’ve been reading this or my books you know I’m from the South. As a product of that region of the United States, I have certain things that come with the turf. I open doors for ladies, pull out chairs, say “yes ma’am” and give my seat on the Greyhound to old ladies I also have a Southern accent. Therein lies the rub. Seems every idiot on TV or in the movies who has an IQ that matches his shoe size has a Southern accent. And why can’t I complement a lady on her perfume or hair style or whatever without it coming back to wreck my political career forty years from now. Don’t get me wrong, most of the thing we hear in the news now is not okay, but I’m afraid to pay what I consider a complement to a female unless she is a blood relative.
Okay, that’s enough for today. I’ll get off my soapbox this week and let you get back to whatever it is you do while waiting for my next blog.
Remember, don’t sweat the petty stuff and don’t pet the sweaty stuff.
THE MOST FRIGHTENING TWO WORDS.
What are the most frightening two words one person can say to another? You’re fired? Hands Up! You’re what? In-laws coming? Those pale in comparison to the words every screen writer fears. Director’s vision.
What does that mean? It means everything you’ve worked on for weeks, months or even years is now laying on Doctor Frankenstein’s table about to be arranged to suit the mad scientist.
Let’s take your passion project for an example. Every writer has one, I know I do. It’s the one where you say, “I don’t want a word changed. Or a scene. Or a character or location or hair color or age or…or…or” You get the idea. It’s your baby and you wanted it treated as such. Look at it, coo over it, smile and tell me how much it looks like me, but DON’T TOUCH IT!
You’ve written a screenplay about a little girl and her kitten. It’s based on your life in part because…well, you’re a girl and you once had a kitten, so its grounded on things you know. You work on the project off and on for two years while reading books on formatting, scene structure, dialog etc until you are absolutely certain you have it right. Almost a hundred very nice rejection letters….just not right for us, but good luck….we don’t accept unsolicited.. if you will have your agent submit it…returned unopened and a few that questioned your sanity, you finally find someone who is a fan of stories about little girls and kittens.
They contact you and the negotiations begin. “We’re a small company and don’t have a lot of development money, so we’ll give you one dollar as an option and….” ONE DOLLAR! Are they crazy? No, so get used to it. We’ll talk about options sometime, but not now. You accept and have a party because now you can tell everyone you have a screenplay under option. They get serious and actually have a director who wants to be a part of your story. You have another party to celebrate.
You take a meeting, probably by phone with the director. He gushes about your script and how it’s amazing that a first-time screenwriter got it right. Then he says, “I really love it and I think I can make it better.” That’s Director’s Vision.
“I know you want this to take place in a little town in GA, but I’m thinking of moving it to India. And I think the little girl should be a boy who has never spoken and becomes friends not with a kitten but a lion.” You look around to see if you’re still on Planet Earth before you laugh and ask if he’s kidding. And besides, you say, “There are no lions in India. They have tigers. Lions are only in Africa.”
“Oh, right. I forgot. I really like lions. Good visuals, you know. How about if we have one escape from a traveling circus? What do you think of that?”
What do you think? You think he’s certifiably nuts but you’re wrong. He’s exercising Director’s Vision. If you are a screenwriter and plan to play in the television and film arena, get used to it. Unless you are the writer and director or at least a producer, once your name is on the contract they can change your passion project to something you refuse to watch.
And NEVER celebrate till the check clears.
TWO THANKSGIVINGS TO REMEMBER
From the very meaning of the word, Thanksgiving is a day to reflect on what we have to be thankful for and to look around and see if you’re surrounded by family and friends. If so, you need look no further. I have two Thanksgivings that are indelibly printed in my memory bank.
I was about thirteen and times were hard for my family just as they were for most of our friend and other family members. My mother was a cashier in a grocery store and my dad had a small produce stand at the state farmer’s market. I had a paper route and it took all the money the three of us made to keep afloat. I also came down with a case of the mumps.
I couldn’t deliver my papers which meant I did not make the few dollars a week that came in from it. My mother’s sister was home with three small children and her husband was not making that much money at his job, but they volunteered to deliver my papers until I was well. The little money I got was given to them for gas for the car. Thanksgiving was on the horizon.
My mother and her sister always planned a big dinner that day with turkey and all the other things that go with a Southern family dinner. The only problem was no one could afford to buy a turkey. A decision was made to buy a chicken and roast it. I know they were disappointed but that was the best they could do.
A couple of days before Thanksgiving, I was home from school and there was a knock at the door. I eased to it and opened it to find my boss from my paper route standing there. He first asked how I was feeling and we made small talk for a few minutes. Then he said, “I have something for you,” and went to his car. He came back holding a very large bag with a frozen turkey in it. “We had a drawing for all the paper boys and you won. Here’s your prize.” It was the biggest turkey I had ever seen.
Did I actually win? Was it a gift from him? Divine intervention? I never found out, but we had one of the best Thanksgiving dinners any of us had ever enjoyed.
The second one was in 1968 at the height of the Viet Nam war. As side note here. It was, and is still accepted in some circles to call it the Viet Nam conflict. Anytime a stranger is shooting at you and you are shooting back, it’s a war.
I was a Lieutenant and leading a patrol of about fifteen men. We had been out for about three days when someone mentioned it was Thanksgiving Day. We usually stopped around mid-day to take a break, check equipment, make radio contact with our base and other necessary things as we ate a meal of C Rations. Another side note for those of you who have never had C’s. You get a box of some of the most God-awful things that can be put in a can along with a variety of cookies, candy, powdered drinks, condiments etc. I won’t go into the names given to some of the entrées by Soldiers, but one of the meals contained a small can of turkey mixed with something that none of us could ever identify. Since we selected the boxes by random with the contents listed face down, we never knew until they were issued what we got. I don’t remember what I was prepared to eat that day, but three of my men came up and said they had a special gift for me. Knowing the men like I did, it could have been anything from a case of leprosy to my orders sending me home. Instead they handed me the can of turkey from one of their meals. “Happy Thanksgiving,” was all they said. One of them took a photo of me eating out of the can and gave it to me. It’s one of my prized possessions, but it pales with the memories of those two very special days.
I hope you have similar memories and if you don’t…make some. It’s not too late.
SAY THANKS BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE
I started this blog because I like to write and sometimes I actually have something to say. I’ve read other writer’s blogs and they talk a lot about writing but they also put in recipes, stories about their kids, their dogs and what they had for lunch and with whom. I didn’t know you could do all that. I thought a writing blog was supposed to be about writing and to get people to buy your books. Maybe I had the wrong idea to begin with, so today I want to say a very belated THANK YOU” to the person who started all of this. Not my mother but my English Teacher, Miss Boone.
Stop me if you’ve heard this before, but unless you’re family or have attended a book signing where I told the story, you can keep reading.
I was not a good student in high school. My report cards which I did not realize my mother saved and showed to my two daughters proved it. When she passed away, I found them in her effects and now my grandchildren have seen them. As a friend of mine says, no one is ever a failure. At your lowest point you can always serve as a good bad example.
When I was in the 10th grade my option was not renewed at my high school and I was “advised” to find another place to go the following year. That’s how I wound up in Miss Boone’s English class. On the first day, she said we had studied enough nouns and pronouns and verbs and other things that we probably would never use again, so we were going to put them to use and WRITE.
A little background is needed here. I was fortunate enough to get a job one summer with a traveling carnival of sorts. It was billed as the Jack Joyce Jungle Caravan and it went from shopping center parking lot to another with animal rides, a snake show and a little petting zoo. I traveled with the show for two summers when they were in the state of GA. Back to English class….
Our first assignment was to write a short story. It could be made up, based on facts or any combination thereof. I wrote about my time with the carnival the previous summer. Stories were turned in, graded and one day she pulled out a couple and explained she was going to read the best and worst of the group. As I recall the worst one was really bad. Then she said she wanted to read the best one. She read a few lines and stopped and asked the class who they thought wrote it. Guesses were Johnny Football, Suzi Cheerleader, Norman Nerd etc. I knew who it was because she was reading my story.
My first thought was that she was going to have to walk home that day because my plan was to slice her tires on the way out of school. Instead as I slid lower and lower into my seat she gushed over how good it was and when she handed it back to me it had a very large A+ on it. The first one I had ever gotten. (I also found it with my report cards as my mother had saved it as well.)
Each week we were required to write a story. I continued to write and get very good graded and soon some of less scrupulous friends noticed and asked me to write one for them. I readily agreed…for a fee of three dollars each. My first paid writing assignment. This lasted several weeks and a handful of short stories until Miss Boone caught on and busted me/us. My afterschool counselling session with her consisted of her telling me I had a gift and not to waste it. Keep writing. I did but it took several years and a stint in an Army hospital in a war zone for me to try it again. When I found out she was right and I had made a few sales I made an effort to find her. Unfortunately, she had passed away by then and I never got to thank her.
Don’t let that happen to you. If you need to thank someone, do it now while both of you are still able to understand the reasons.
Next week I’ll talk about cooking, or gardening, or my dog Teddy or the carnival or taking a box of KFC to a black tie catered lunch at Robert E. Lee’s mansion at Arlington national Cemetery on the 4th of July…or something. Who knows.
HERE’S SOME MONEY…TELL ME WHAT I ALREADY KNOW
How many times have we as writers heard a friend or fellow writer say, “I don’t want to send this to a publisher because I don’t want them to change a single word?” I found out a long time ago that I did not write on stone tablets with a chisel. My words were inspired, but they were not INSPIRED if you know what I mean. I’m open for suggestions, especially if you’re willing to pay me to accept them.
We need someone to read our work and tell us what we are missing or the mistakes we made. I tell my screenwriting students that any scene you have to explain, doesn’t work. It’s the same in a novel or short story. Your reader may say, “On page 23 she was a blonde and on 96 she has raven hair.” Mistake? Not in your mind because, you tell them…”Remember on page 49 she went to the beauty salon and had her hair dyed.” Did you say so? Probably not, but you saw her in the shop getting her hair done. You’re not going to be standing in the editor’s office reading over his or her shoulder when they see the change in hair color so you can explain it.
But here’s where the problem comes in. We finish the book/screenplay and want to sell it but we know it needs work. There are multitudes of ads in all the writer’s (not riders if you were paying attention) magazines for people who will read and critique your work for a fee. Sometimes for a very large fee. Are they worth it? Maybe but only if when you get the critique back its new information for you. Don’t pay to have someone tell you something you already know.
Dear Writer, your protagonist seems a little cardboard, not well thought out. I don’t like him and I certainly don’t hate him enough to want him dead. And I really don’t like the way she killed her husband. I mean who water-boards someone while they are sleeping? Wouldn’t they wake up? Even using warm water like she did.
You read the letter with the accompanying bill that is far more than you will get as an advance and say to yourself…”Yeah, I thought I needed to work on giving him a little more reason for her to kill him. And I thought the water board was a nice idea and a stretch, but I wanted to try it anyways.” You knew it wouldn’t work and if you sent it out it would get rejected, so you just paid someone to tell you something you already knew.
If you are an editor and you read this, don’t get me wrong. I think editors do a great job and I’m fortunate to have a great one at my publisher for my books and my manager can find things in my screenplays that I swear were not there when I sent it to him. If you need an editor, let it be when you have had several reads of your work, not only by friends and family, but by members of your writers group. Don’t let Mama read it because she’ll tell you it’s perfect and you’ll be tempted to tell the publisher she said so when you send it out. Get some serious feedback. Get the piece as perfect as you can and then if you want paid help for formatting and professional details, go for it.
Don’t water board yourself. You’ll have to trust me on this, but it’s not fun.
DON'T LISTEN TO EXPERTS. BE YOURSELF.
If you’ve been paying attention, you know I am retired from the Army. Many years and several “wars’ ago, I was in an Army hospital and got an idea for a short story. I went into an empty doctor’s office one Sunday, found a typewriter…you remember those…big bulky black things with keys and a roller…and some paper and sat down and typed out the story. I had taken typing in high school and like most of the males in the class, barely passed it. I had not used a typewriter in years. But I pecked out the story one letter at a time, made some strikeovers and left a few misspelled words because I could not find a dictionary and the typewriter did not have a spellcheck key.
When I was satisfied that it was a work of literary art, I put a cover letter on it which basically said: “Here’s my story. Send money. Love, Paul” and mailed it off. I had nothing else to say. I had never sold anything because I had never written anything that I thought I could sell before, however there was that incident in high school, but I’ll save that for another time. To make matters worse, I could not find any carbon paper…look it up…so I did not have a copy of the story. Blind faith? Stupid? Naive? All of the above.
But guess what? Several weeks later I got a nice letter from the magazine saying they were going to publish it and in the envelope, was a check for $80.00. I immediately took my wife and daughter out to celebrate and we bought a dog house.
A couple of days later I told a friend about it and he asked if I read and followed any of the writer’s magazines. I misunderstood and thought he said rider’s magazines and he was talking about motorcycles. When we cleared it up and I found out about the magazines dedicated to helping writers I bought them every month, read them cover to cover and found out I was doing everything wrong. I didn’t query editors. I didn’t have a list of previous publications for my cover letter. I could not offer tear sheets. I didn’t count the words. And for eighteen months while I tried to do everything right, I sold absolutely NOTHING. NADA. ZIP. ZINGO.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying don’t follow the rules, but be yourself when you do. Books and magazines exist for one reason and that’s because people buy then. They may buy them for the pictures, for the ads, to read at the beach, on the airplane, or like Playboy for the articles. But you and I supply the words for them. They want admit it, but they actually need us. Don’t get so caught up in reading how-to books and articles that you are more concerned with the how-to than the do. Each one you read will give you a different slant on what works, how to write, reach and obtain an agent or editor or where to send your work, and many contradict the last one you read.
No one knows your short story, magazine article, novel or screenplay better than you and if you don’t put the words on the page you’ll never know what someone else thinks about it. Be yourself and find a place in the yard for that new dog house you’re gonna buy.
ARE YOU A PLOTTER OR A PLODDER?
Are you one of those people who, prior to starting to write anything longer than a postcard, plans everything you’re going to say, when to say it and how it’s supposed to sound when its read? How about the one who has a general idea of what they’re going to write, how it’s supposed to sound and where they plan to end? Behind Door Number are the Plotters. Door Number hides the Plodders.
I’m happy to say, I rest comfortably behind Door Number Two. I get an idea for a new novel or screenplay and I massage it in my head for a while and when I’m ready, I sit down and begin the process. To me, it’s like living in Miami and one day deciding to drive to Seattle. I take a look at the map, maybe even do a Mapquest search and see what they recommend. When I back out of my driveway in Miami, my destination….at that time…is Seattle. How I got there will be determined by looking back over my shoulder when I see the Welcome to Seattle sign. I will no doubt remember that wrong turn I took in Atlanta and how I had to backtrack all the way to Dallas from Oklahoma City. But I’ll also remember the character I met in Richmond when I had a flat tire. If you know anything about the US map, you can see I’m all over the place, but I did finish my journey in Seattle. Unless, of course, I changed my mind and wanted to finish in Anchorage. We Plodders can do that. Plotters…not so much.
Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with either method. It’s whatever works best for you and helps you get the job done. For me, plotting would take the mystery out of writing. That’s not to say you can’t write a mystery if you plot, but my point is sometimes I sit down and have absolutely NO IDEA what I’m going to write about at the moment. If it’s a novel, I’ll read over what I did the day before to catch up and then…who knows. I find myself in some of the strangest situations that in my wildest imagination I never pre-planned. I’m doing the third book in a mystery series now and today I found myself in a coffee shop in Ho Chi Minh City talking to a priest. Or at least I think he is a priest. He hasn’t shared his background with me yet. A Plotter would probably never meet him and if they did, they’d know where he went to college why he entered the priesthood and the age of his grandmother when she died. If I need that info, I’m sure he will tell me before I leave and go to wherever it is the next day’s writing takes me.
I take writing very serious. I mean, how presumptions of us to think that someone actually cares about what we have to say and then to top it off, they spend time or money to find out what it is. We owe them their money’s worth. If they come back for seconds, you know that your method works for you and them. If they need a roadmap, give it to them. If they want to ramble along the highways and byways with a Plodder like me, I say, “Welcome aboard.” It’s like the airline pilot who came on the PA system as the plane was crossing the Pacific. “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is our navigation system is out and I have no idea where we are going. The good news is we have a two hundred mile and hour tail wind and which means we’re going to get there in a hell of a hurry.”
Let the wind guide you to the destination, wherever it may be. Now, if you’ll excuse me I have a solid gold razor I have to give to the Priest in my book. Really….
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
Where are you when the page is blank?
Sure Happy Its Thursday or S.H.I.T by any other name.
When I was in the Army, I had a boss one time who was always asking his staff to come up with ideas. In case you haven’t been in the military, that’s how it’s done. Some senior officer will say, “I need a plan in case we get attacked by giant sea turtles. Or the Emperor of Botsalumba, gets nukes and wants to use one.” The staff comes up with the idea and the general gets the credit. But back to my old boss. If we had an idea later on he’d say, “Where were you when the page was blank?”
So, my question this week is: Where are you when the page is blank? What do you have to do to get words on the page? It doesn’t matter if it in front of a computer, an old typewriter or a stack of yellow legal pads. The pages are blank and you have to come up with the idea. I have a special place where I get mine but I’ll save that as a teaser so you’ll read to the bottom.
If you get your idea from today’s news, you’re at least a year late. There was a tragic shooting in Las Vegas recently. Want to write about a deranged person who shoots up a crowd? Too late. It’s been done. What about a natural disaster that wipes an island almost off the map? Five years too late. That’s not to say you can’t use those as the subject, but you’ve got to change it and to do that you have to do your research. What is your competition? What was the focus of those books or films? How long ago? Sale record?
I’ll be the first to admit if you’re a writer, you (and I) are about a half-bubble off level. We see things differently. We hear voices. We listen to them, hell, we even talk to them some time. When a normal person asks if the glass is half full or half empty, we wonder who stole the water and if they poisoned the part that’s left. That’s the start of an IDEA! Have you ever had a dream that was so realistic that you made notes the next morning and used it in a story? I have. And I sold the story. Where did that idea come from? No idea, but it came and that’s the point. Be open to almost anything. Read everything you can from cereal boxes to headlines in the check-out counter at the grocery store. Ideas are everywhere. You can’t copyright an idea and you can’t sell it. Sit down and write. Remember not too long ago two guys were sitting around and one asked the other, “I wonder what would happen if a tornado picked up a bunch of sharks and dropped them….”
Where do I get my ideas? I belong the Idea of Month Club and once a month I get a box from Snake Navel, Arkansas containing thirty ideas…unless the month has 31 days or it’s February.
Thursday, October 5, 2017
SURE HAPPY IT’S THURSDAY (S.H.I.T.)
If we can have Thank Goodness It’s Friday (T.G.I.F.), why shouldn’t I be able to have Sure Happy It’s Thursday, (S.H.I.T.)? Well, no body says I can’t so this is the first of my weekly blogs which will be known as…well, you get it.
First, let me tell you a little about myself. I’m a retired Army officer and I have a second career as a writer. I have two mystery series in print from Black Opal Books and eight feature films produced from scripts I wrote. For the last ten years I have been teaching Writing for TV, Films and Radio at the University of West Florida. That has come to an end in the last month since I left Florida and it’s hurricanes behind and moved to a small town in Georgia.
Why am I writing a blog and why do I assume anyone other than my family and few other old retired farts I knew in the Army will even read it? Because I have things to say, questions to ask and occasionally some serious advice about writing novels and screenplays that you may find interesting.
Since I have sold both novels and screenplays I actually know what I’m talking about. I’m big on credibility. If you are giving advice, you need to know what you’re talking about. If you’re teaching a class, you need to know at least as much and probably more than the people who are sitting, looking at you and taking notes.
I have never tried a blog before, but I did write a newspaper column once a week for two years one time, so I do know how to face and conquer a deadline.
On this blog I’ll share some pet peeves with you like: why do I always get behind a group of five people on the sidewalk who are walking five abreast? And who keeps coming into my hotel rooms and folding the toilet paper into little points on the roll and why? How about when you attend a writer’s conference and meet an agent or editor, pitch to them and they ask for your project and once you send it you never hear from them again? Can you turn your novel into a script?
I’ve got more questions, but I’ll save them for the next edition of SHIT.
Follow me on Blogspot @ https://paulsinor.blogspot.com
All Books and Films Available on my Amazon Book Page @ amazon.com/author/paulsinor